When i first met him, i was pure, innocent,a virgin. When i first met him, i never for a second imagined that he would change everything. He changed everything. He was my first everything. My first date. My first real kiss.My first real boyfriend. The first boy to hold my hand (and how perfect it fit in his). My first love. My first lover ( yes, the first boy i had sex with). My first ” I love you”. My first “I’m in love with you” . My first forever. Forever…kinda funny that word .
When you’re in love , you never for a second, even during the countless silly and unnecessary fights imagine that what the two of you have could ever seize to exist. You tell yourself that you’ll always find a way to work it out. Every fight ends with an ” I’m sorry babe” and an ” I love you baby”. Then one day … it just doesn’t. One day the fight just ends. There’s no more fighting for the relationship, no more fighting to keep each other -there’s nothing left to fight for. Just stupid things to fight over.
He always fought for us – i was always quick to run away. Breaking up was my constant solution to our “problems” but he never gave in to it. I took that for granted in the end – at the back of my mind i always knew that no matter how many times i told him we should break up – he was never going to go anywhere. They were just words. Until one day ..they weren’t just words. We broke up. Three times. The third time – this last time. They were his words. This time it was real.
He was My first heartbreak.
This last time is what’s lead me to this blog at 1229am on a Monday night, two months later.
Now’s not the time to delve into the fantastic details of our relationship, but i will say this. It wasn’t a bad break-up , no one was unfaithful , it was nothing like that . Somehow though- that’s what has made it harder to deal with . I guess it’s because i don’t have a reason to hate him or rather, a reason to get over him . Really, all it boils down to ( well this is what we convinced each other anyway) is bad timing and the distance .
He was my first boyfriend, and i made him my everything. My thoughts, my decisions, my days, they all revolved around him . He was my starting point. My guide. My light. My compass. My everything. That was the start of the problem i guess- i lost all sense of proportion.
It’s very well and good that he was my first everything and he’ll always have that on me … , but i’d honestly trade it all in in a heartbeat if i could say that he was my last everything and i his.
As for the details of this 3 year journey? Well i’ll save that for the next blog.